I've been wondering whether to share this. Mainly because it makes me extremely vulnerable, but also because it kind of flies in the face of alot of the stuff I've been writing about; being happy and strong as a single woman, loving my own company etc...

You see, overall, I haven't really enjoyed the Bank Holiday. There, I said it. 

I've had a bit of a relapse to the days when I geared everything towards finding a partner. The days when I put everything on hold because it 'didn't count' unless I was sharing it with someone romantically.  

I purposely left the weekend pretty empty because I felt in desperate need of a proper rest after another intense period at work. With my teenager at their Dad's, it was the perfect opportunity to just be. To enjoy my lovely home, watch what I wanted on the TV, recharge my batteries. But of course, social media soon had me feeling like everyone apart from me was 'living their best life', whether it be romantic mini breaks, couples nights out, climbing mountains (yes really, it's suprising how many people have scaled a mountain this weekend) or just sharing a bottle in the garden. And what was I doing? Cleaning because I've been too busy working to keep on top of the house properly. And searching for new boxsets to watch. I'm not sure if my feelings of inadequacy came from the fact that I 'should' have been doing more or from genuine regret that I hadn't made better plans. I suspect the former if I'm honest. Bank Holidays bring so much pressure! 

It's interesting that single people are often teetering on the edge of feeling like we've failed in some way. I think one of the main factors in this is that a happy relationship elevates the mundane to the special. You go from watching a film to 'snuggling up with someone to experience a film'. Or from having a glass in the garden to 'sharing a bottle and clinking glasses' in the garden, often with a boomerang of said glasses clinking against a sunlit backdrop thrown in for good measure. And I know that relationships aren't perfect, but when you're wondering why it's never your turn to have one, it can sure feel that way if you let your thoughts run away with you.  

Another reason I decided to share my moment of vulnerability is because not enough people do. I want to be clear that even people like me who have been on 'the journey', done alot of 'the work' and appear to have their shit together don't all the time. And that's ok. 

I know I won't go back to the person I used to be - wasting hours of my time swiping through people I don't know on my phone in the wild and misplaced hope that they're the key to my happiness, pressing pause on my life until external circumstances 'make me happy'... 

I make me happy. I'm living life right now. I can choose to live it half-heartedly because I'm not half of a couple. Or I can choose to be happy NOW. Normally I fall very much into the latter camp so I'm a little disappointed that I've let it get to me so much this weekend, but it's a new opportunity to grow, to get even stronger. 

And I'm up for the challenge. 

I hope this piece reaches anyone who needs to read it. Because I know I can't be the only one!