I have no common sense and will do anything to avoid getting too bogged down in life’s practicalities. This includes measuring things, which is maybe why today’s delivery featured two bottles of Pantene that wouldn’t look out of place in a dolls house (plus I was totally taking the piss sending myself travel-sized toiletries when travel is the last thing I’ll be doing for the foreseeable). At the other end of the scale, I also seem to have ordered a bottle of pink sparkling wine for Mother’s Day big enough for my Mum to actually swim in rather than drink. Thank god I’ll be putting it on her doorstep as she’d need to organise an industrial hoist to transport it anywhere else. I also thought I’d treat myself to what looked online like a decent sized bar of posh chocolate, only to discover that what arrived wouldn’t fill a post-bariatric flea. And let’s not talk about the ‘pygmy’ bulbs I ordered for my Himalayan salt lamp and the stadium sized floodlight that turned up instead. Ffs…

Ordering the wrong quantity of things is another thing I’m crap at. At one point I had enough shampoo and conditioner in the house to open my own salon, and for some reason it took being on the cusp of a planning application for a storage facility in my garden to realise that I didn’t have to buy the same quantity every bloody fortnight. I think I’ve subconsciously applied this logic to anything I’m worried about running out of, namely wine, biscuits and candles (in that order). And face wipes, because my skin care ‘routine’ now consists solely of half-heartedly running one across my face every night. And that’s if I can be arsed.

I can’t talk about online shopping without talking about substitutes. I love how they only tell you about them an hour before delivery. I once got sent lychees instead of oranges, and while I’m sure they’re the food of choice for someone with more sophisticated tastes than mine, they remind me of eating eyeballs. A ready-made omelette in a bag instead of fresh eggs was another classic. But nothing compares to the story I read on social media involving someone who ordered kitchen towels and received sanitary towels instead.

The other memorable incident was the time I forgot the shopping was coming at all. Halfway through a bottle of wine at my *sister’s, I had to literally sprint home because the driver rang to say he was sat outside my house (I obviously ran back to my sister’s to finish the wine once I’d stuffed the shopping into various cupboards).

Joking aside, the only way I can end this blog is to say a huge THANK YOU to fantastic retail workers everywhere. It goes without saying that they - along with everyone who has continued to serve the public through this worrying and dangerous time - are absolute legends. Even if they do send me eyeballs for my fruit bowl.

*We’re in a bubble. And my Mum will be too when she dives into her ridiculously large bottle of sparkling wine.