What makes you happy?
This might seem like a bit of a daft question - after all, surely it's something we should know intuitively? But finding joy and purpose when you've kind of lost yourself can be very tricky.
I was invited to speak on the BBC Radio West Midlands Late Show this week about starting again in your forties. I talked about how I'd 'followed my breadcrumbs' to find the things I love to do. It's something I refer to alot but it really struck a chord with the presenter, so I wanted to share it with you too.
So much to learn
I think when we start again after long marriages, we underestimate just how much of our identities are tied up in being wives or husbands. Married at 27 and hitting my forties as a single woman, I had so much to learn about myself; I didn't even know what made me happy and excited as a person in my own right.
After getting back on my feet and thriving for a while, I eventually started to experience a nagging feeling that something was missing. I assumed this 'something' was a relationship and embarked on a frantic search for a partner through the joyless world of dating apps. But because I was looking for someone to 'rescue me' and do the work of building a life I loved for me, I attracted and chased the wrong people.
Eventually I got tired of being so bloody negative and realised my happiness was my responsibility - no one else's. But I didn't know where to start.
It was like doing a massive treasure hunt with the shittest map ever.
"It felt like doing a massive treasure hunt with the shittest map ever."
I felt lost for a while. I went out and 'joined in' hoping to find a sense of purpose and belonging but I often came away feeling the same, or worse. It was so frustrating; finally I had some time and energy to focus on myself and I couldn't figure out what to do with it! I didn't get the clarity I'd been searching for until I'd had a few false starts and a lot of nights and weekends feeling disconnected and vaguely empty.
I want to add at this point that there's a difference between sitting at home feeling stuck, and taking some time to yourself for a well-earned break. Because I'm single, people sometimes say: "Don't sit at home on your own". This comes from a really loving place, but with families to care for and jobs to do, we shouldn't feel ashamed to be on our own and rest if we need to, and I see it as a real luxury if I've been busy all week.
My breadcrumbs
Eventually I had an idea to launch a writing venture. I immediately felt excited and couldn't understand why it hadn't occured to me before. It was originally called The Ghostwriter because it was based on teaching other people how to write their stories, or writing them on their behalf. But deep down what I really wanted to do was write and share my own story.
Frustratingly, the way forward only revealed itself a little at a time. It was slow going, but I knew I'd taken a major step forward in re-discovering that feeling of being genuinely excited about something. I followed those breadcrumbs and they took me to a place where I felt able to face my fears and publish my very first blog. After that, alot of other things clicked into place too.
Running was another discovery, beginning with a very reluctant two-minute jog on a treadmill, egged on by my sister. It left me a breathless wreck, but I kind of enjoyed it at the same time. Again, I knew I was onto something, followed the breadcrumbs and although I'm still crap at it, am now a member of a running club, did my first 10k last year and am working on a book with Running at 40 Plus, a group which raises mental health awareness and campaigns to reduce stigma.
If you're feeling that something is missing, you WILL find meaning if you keep trying and listen to your intuition. And if happiness, joy and purpose is something you've promised yourself this year, learning to follow your breadcrumbs is a very good place to start.